


Getting Old is Hard

by letspartyrightnow



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Kinda angst i think, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Phandom Fic Fests: Bingo, Viagra, dont ask me about the title hopefully i'll change it later, phil thinks about things, the different take on viagra that nobody wants but my brain doesn't care bc its what i want, this is numero tres
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-07 17:33:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16412849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letspartyrightnow/pseuds/letspartyrightnow
Summary: It made him feel a deep disgust with himself that he knew he definitely had to talk about with someone later, but for now he was just picking up the prescription, heading home to Dan, and maybe going in for a sad cuddle.





	Getting Old is Hard

The little bottle of pills felt heavy in Phil’s hoodie pocket. He got rid of the bag back in the doctor’s office almost immediately, his face red all the while. For some reason, he’d never thought he’d have to do this, have to need this. He got into a car, gave his address, and they pulled out. 

It wasn’t like it wasn’t common or something. Plenty of older guys have to go through it. Phil just didn’t want to be that “older guy” who couldn’t get it up anymore. He felt his face redden just thinking about it. He wished he wasn’t so embarrassed. It was more normal than not and it’s not like anyone but Dan knew, it just—it made him feel old. Older than he actually was. It made him feel a deep disgust with himself that he knew he definitely had to talk about with someone later, but for now he was just picking up the prescription, heading home to Dan, and maybe going in for a sad cuddle. 

He’d been with Dan for almost twenty-five-years now, and sadly Phil now equates that to twenty years of good sex and then...what they do now. (He doesn’t really, it’s not that deep. Dan’s dramatics just rubbed off on him after a while.) Which he knows he shouldn’t, he knows that their life together has never been about sex, but Phil’s just insecure. Dan has no problem getting hard when the things they do get hot and heavy and yet Phil sometimes can’t get hard at all. 

He remembers the look of pain on Dan’s face the very first time he just couldn’t get hard. He remembers watching that face shift to understanding almost immediately after and then pity and how much that had offended Phil. This has definitely caused a lot more friction in their lives the past couple of months than anything else. Maybe because sex somehow always was a sort of vital part to their relationship. They loved each other, and Phil found Dan endlessly sexy, so why couldn’t he just get hard for him? Phil had felt like his own body betrayed him. 

But Dan never had. He took this with a grain of salt and talked to Phil. It was always so comforting remembering how far they’d come. Ten years ago, who knows if they’d have the balls to talk about this together. Ten years ago, it wasn’t a problem, Phil thought. And that brings him here. On his way home after picking up his prescription of viagra. Nearing 50. 

He felt his age in his bones, could see it when he looked in the mirror, when he looked at Dan. It was good. He used to be afraid of growing old, but then he had someone to grow old with, and putting a perspective on things, this wasn’t so bad. It was embarrassing, but they’d had to go through the weird things of getting older before, they could do it again with this. 

The driver pulled up and Phil paid before stepping out of the car. He walked up to the door and went inside, barks from their dog Thor surrounding him. Phil slowly bent down to pet him and when he got up Dan was leaning against the entrance to the kitchen. 

“You good?” He asked softly, knowing how difficult this has been for him. 

“Say goodbye to spontaneity.” Phil said back, only because maybe he’s still angry with himself. 

“Is that what you think makes sex with me good?” Dan responded. Phil hated when he did this. He knew Phil didn’t think that. He knew and yet he countered Phil like this again and again. And Phil knew why. He’s been being a mess about this whole situation and Dan’s just bringing light to the absurdity of Phil’s feelings. 

Phil looked at him. It’s crazy how much he looked like Dan. It was Dan, of course it was, but he’s older and wiser and Phil always knew he’d only become more beautiful with age. Phil wanted to cry as he looked at him. He’s way more emotional now than he ever was, and Phil’s been stressing over this for so long, and he’s tired. He’s done so much and he’s tired and he deserved to be wrapped up in those arms that are crossed and hugged by Dan no matter how bloody annoyed he may be at Phil. 

“I’m sorry.” Phil said, his eyes watering. He reaches up and presses into them softly behind his glasses. He looked back at Dan and saw his confused face, arms uncrossed and body poised to come and comfort. “It’s fine. I know I’ve been really unfair lately. I’m just trying to work through this. But I know I’d be the same if the roles were reversed.” He took a deep breath and watched as Dan walked closer to him, taking his hand in his. They were much bonier than they used to be, aged with hard work on pianos and writing. He loved them dearly. 

“This is just a fluke, Phil. It’s not something that’s going to destroy our lives. You are still enough for me, you understand that right? You have the drugs now, but it’s not like you’ve ever not been able to get me off. I just don’t understand why you’re taking this so hard.” He squeezed Phil’s hand in his and ducked his head so Phil would look at him. 

“I don’t know either. I really don’t. Maybe there’s something more. I couldn’t tell you. I’m scared times running out? I’m scared you’ll see someone young, someone who can show you how you affect them instead of needing drugs to do it?” The longer he talked the more he was sounding crazy. He knew that, but even after all this time, maybe he’d always feel these insecurities. 

“Phil, I swear to God, I love you so much. Okay?” He pulled both of Phil’s hands in his. Phil felt like a child being reprimanded by his mother and he wished he didn’t feel so awful for feeling like this. “Nothing changes. It doesn’t. I’m here. Until the end, that’s what I promised you.” He cupped the sides of Phil face and forced him to look at him. “Okay?”

“Yeah.” Phil’s watery eyes stung a bit more. “I love you.” He leaned in and kissed Dan on his pretty lips. “I love you so much.” He felt the kiss deepen and he wrapped his arms around Dan. 

“Everything’s alright, yeah? We’re fine.” Phil could see that his eyes were wet too. 

“We’re a bit of a mess together, huh?” Phil laughed, burying his head in Dan’s shoulder. 

“A bit.” He could hear the fondness in Dan’s voice. 

“What do you say, should we test out the drugs?” Phil said, pulling back but not too far. 

“If you think you can take it, old man.” 

“Says you.” 

“Oi!”

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr!](https://letspartyrightnowplease.tumblr.com/post/179437685984/getting-old-is-hard)


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